Scylla and Charybdis

I have nothing to say lately. I'm the most unmotivated person I know. I hardly ever do the thigns I used to. I used to play guitar everyday, but I rarely play it at all now. I used to draw all the time, but I can never get motivated. I used to be athletic, but now that swimming is over for good, I'm gaining weight. all I do is sleep my life away. School is such a waste to me right now. The classes I'm taking are worthless (I didn't get to pick my classes fist semester) Of course I want to be in school, but I don't want to be taking classes that have to no worth to my major (I don't even know what thats going to be! ugh) I'm debating between majoring in biology, art, or something else similar to those two. I hate this though, because biology and art don't have much in common. Even my advisor said I was in between a rock and a hard place. Whatever, I'll just become a tattoo artist and do crappy tattoos out of my room for $30 each for the rest of my life.

I really love art a lot. Every piece of art I create has my everything put into it. I spend a lot of time and effort on the things I do. I love photograpgy, I love graphic arts, I want to be involved with that. I also want a stable career that I'll be able to have fun with.....but then again, I also love biology. I love animals, I love nature. I love the environment and I want to help it. I want to study plants and animals and life in general. I don't know what I want; I don't know whats best...

I want to stay here forever, in my room, in my house, in Meriden, Connecticut....but I also I want to see the whole world. I want to live in Japan, I want to go all over Europe. I want to see the Amazon River. I want to see the castles in Scotland. I want to know what it feels like to be feet away from a lion in the African deserts. I want to see war torn Iraq, and visit the islands of the Bahamas. I want to see the Australian outback. I want to see it all. But I'm scared. I'm scared to leave home. I'm scared to fly on a plane. I'm scared to be alone, or lost. I'm scared of the unknown.

I hate the typical college lifestyle of parties and drinking and smoking and beer pong and sex and drugs and rock and roll. I'd rather do nothing than go to a party. I haven't made very many friends at CCSU, but thats mostly because all the people I do meet there are "ridiculous party animals" and would never want to spend a Friday night hanging out with me sober. I miss my highschool friends that I used to see everyday. I miss the past. I miss skating with Amanda and making videos of ourselves dancing. I miss her all the time even though shes right down the street. I miss Kirsten and building forts in her basement and sleepovers, and going down to the swamp to catch frogs. I miss her a lot too. Its hard to see someone who you've known forever move across the country. I miss riding bikes up at Holy Angels with Mike, swimming in his pool and going on adventures. But they've all moved on with the paths that their lives have taken, and I suppose I have too. It sucks though, because it seems as though the three best friends I grew up with that had such an impact on my life are pretty much gone now. I have hope to salvage one of these friendships, but its hard to be optimistic about it. I just hope she reads this and sees how much I care about her and I want her in my life again, and how I wish that we could go back to that summer a few years ago, where everything was perfect, and all we did was skateboard (or try at least), take late night swims in your pool, make videos, play nintendo, try to get me a boyfriend (it worked...twice!) and just be best friends.


I just gave Oscar a bath, he was really smelly. My room is a mess, but I don't feel like cleaning it. I want to play Nintendo, but I can't decide which Zelda game is calling for me. Its a saturday night, and I'm pathetic, but I don't care.


-Kaitlyn